


If Only

by Eienvine



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for S02xE01-02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 06:33:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5775307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eienvine/pseuds/Eienvine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of things Peggy Carter regrets. And now that she's arrived in LA and seen Daniel again, she has a new regret to add to that list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> So I have a lot of feelings after last night. How about you? And as always, I deal with them by writing. So here is a little ficlet imagining Peggy's feelings in episode 2.
> 
> Major spoilers for the first two episodes of season 2, obviously. Set just after she finds A Certain Object in Daniel's jacket.
> 
> Soundtrack for the fic, as well as the source of the quotes at the beginning and end, are Into the Blue by Sara Jackson-Holman, which is a great song to feel bad to. www.youtube.com/watch?v=JakMshNAcac

. . . . . .

_If only, if only I would have said yes  
Forgotten the rest —oh, I could have said yes_

. . . . . .

  
Peggy Carter has a lot of if-onlys in her life.

If only she had been born a man, is the first one she remembers thinking, but then she got older and that statement became If only she lived in a world that didn't look down on a woman for being a woman. (She learned what that would be like quite accidentally some years later, when the United Kingdom declared war on Germany for the second time in just twenty-five years, and suddenly her countrymen couldn't afford to refuse help just because it came in feminine form. She rather wishes it hadn't taken a war for her to be taken seriously, and she rather wishes that being taken seriously hadn't ended when the war did.)

Steve's death brought about a whole new set of if-onlys. If only she'd moved faster, fought harder, thought quicker, and found a way to keep him from crashing on the ice. If only she'd gone with him and helped him find an alternative to going down with the plane. If only they'd found a way to stop Hydra long before it ever reached this point. If only search parties had gotten there faster after the crash, or there'd been more of them. If only Howard's technology had been able to find the lost plane in all that ice.

And then, once the reality of Steve's death had sunk in, came the thought that still makes her wince, when it crosses her mind: if only she'd done something about her feelings for him earlier. What if she'd stopped being so abominably stubborn and just admitted to herself what was going on in her heart and told him how she felt? It might not have saved him; Steve was too good for his own good, and he probably would have gone down with that plane no matter what, knowing how many lives it would save. But at least they would have had time together—months, even into years. More than a brief kiss in a speeding car just before she lost him forever.

So she is no stranger to asking herself What if?, and the thoughts that suddenly swirl in her head in that warm LA office feel like old friends. She's walking away from Chief Sousa's office, trying not to let the other agents see how devastated she is that the only man who's ever managed to get her to forget about Steve has bought an engagement ring for another woman—a man who cared for her, once; a man who sat an arm's reach from her desk for months and months and somehow they still missed their window of opportunity. She thought his asking for her to come to LA was that window opening again, but in truth he hadn't asked for her and she'd been spectacularly wrong about how he'd feel about seeing her again.

And as she makes her way to the ladies' room to collect herself, Peggy wonders, What if? What if she'd said yes to that offer of drinks? What if she'd done something to encourage that look she saw in his eyes sometimes when he looked at her (of course she knew how he felt, or at least could make an educated guess; she was a spy, for goodness' sake, observation is part of the job)? What if she'd asked him for drinks in the months that followed, instead of waiting for him to renew the invitation?  _What if she'd said yes?_

She knows all the reasons why she said no, of course; it was perfectly logical that she'd responded as she had. She'd genuinely had plans. She'd been unsure if she was ready to start something with someone new—Agent Sousa was so sweet, and so good, and he made her laugh, but there was a part of her that needed to let go of Steve first. And she'd been so sure he would ask again. But Daniel is so diffident, so self-effacing; it doesn't surprise her, looking back, that he took her response as her letting him down easy. If only she'd realized that, if she wanted him to ask again, she'd have to respond to his request differently—if only she'd explained that she genuinely had plans, and wasn't just making excuses; if only she'd been more encouraging in her request for a rain check.

If only she'd realized in that moment what she would know with crystal clarity only a few days later: she absolutely did want to go out for drinks with him.

If only she'd said yes.

And as she looks at her stricken reflection in the ladies' room mirror, Peggy knows she's going to have a new if-only to haunt her. Daniel is going to join Steve on the list of men she's loved and lost, men that she might have had something wonderful with if only . . . if only . . .

In ten minutes she's going to return to the office, eyes dry and clear, back straight, smile on, perfectly calm and composed. She's going to be happy for Daniel and Violet, because they are both kind and good and they deserve joy. She is going to get to the bottom of this murder mystery.

But right now, she's going to lean against the sink and let herself cry a little, and promise herself that next time she cares for someone, she's going to act decisively. And echoing through her mind, over and over as the tears come silently to her eyes . . .

If only.

. . . . . .

 _ If only, if only, you'd ask me again _  
_I'd give you my hand, let you take me_  
_Across the sand_

. . . . .


End file.
